There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I intend to get homeless drunk
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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