Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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