Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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