somebody snuck up and got me drunk
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
