Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
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i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
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There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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