I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
