girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
