Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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