I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
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