my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
