Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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