just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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