Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
