chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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