I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
