i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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