the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
