im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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