Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
