My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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