i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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