I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
