i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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