I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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