my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
