Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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