What did we do last night that was yellow?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
