first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
