PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
