dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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