WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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