Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
