Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
