I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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