now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.