ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
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Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
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Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.