Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
