we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
