Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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