I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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