I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
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It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
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A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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