Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My dick has a subreddit
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
