everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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