I hate your face
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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