just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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