Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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