um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
