Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
