I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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