who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.