Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.