sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
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do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
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What drink are we having for lunch?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just gargled with NyQuil