I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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