You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
