I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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