i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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