I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
