i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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