Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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