Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Randomize
