if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
