Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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