Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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